This year was my 39th Christmas as an autistic person, but the first Christmas that I have known I’m autistic. It’s been interesting. One of the things I have found a little weird about exploring my autistic brain is that I keep getting these little moments of “Oh, that’s why I’ve always done this…”, and this Christmas has been no different.
I had a big one today. I’ve been reading lost of posts from other autistics on Twitter talking about coping with Christmas – the sensory overload, having to be social, and how they survive it all – all the while thinking that I’ve never really had issues with Christmas. I did have a little weep yesterday (Christmas Day itself), but that was because I had a stinking cold and didn’t get enough sleep… wasn’t it??
Today I had a bit of a realisation. My husband dances with the village Morris side, and Boxing Day is a big day for them. As I was driving over I had a sudden flashback to last year, sitting crying in my car waiting for Husband to finish dancing so I could go home and back to bed. When I thought about it, I realised I’ve often struggled on Boxing Day. It seems to be the moment when everything ‘hits’ me, and the more I thought about it the more I remembered regular Boxing Day meltdowns over the last few years. At the time, there was always something to attribute it to – we were going through a tough time and it had all got too much being the main one. Today I started wondering if there was something else to it.
In general, I am pretty bad at noticing when I’m getting overwhelmed until it really is too much. I suppose it comes from nearly four decades of masking. I will keep going and keep going, either until I keel over, or until the pressure is relieved, and then I keel over! I had a couple of meetings just before Christmas – both of them were only with one other person, and they were good, positive, and helpful meetings, but it was still too much. I got home and had to go to bed. It frustrated me that I hadn’t noticed in time to be able to do something about it.
I’m trying to get better at noticing when things are too much, but at the same time trying not to spend my entire life in my pyjamas under my duvet. As it transpires, I did go back out with the Morris today after dropping Tickle off at my mums, but I think mainly because I knew I didn’t have to. Husband is so incredibly supportive and was quite happy for me to go back home and spend the day watching TV if that’s what I needed to do. That knowledge gave me the freedom to make my own choice about it.
My next step is going to be working out how to do this with the rest of my life. I’ve been approached about doing some work for a local arts charity next year, and I’m terrified at the thought of taking on an actual proper job instead of working for myself as a freelancer. I have absolutely no frame of reference for how to be successful as an autistic person in the workplace, and I’m not yet confident enough with my own needs and triggers that I can give particularly helpful guidance.
I know it’s a cliche, but I will have to take it a step at I time I suppose. Keep trying to notice what’s going on with me, and keep trying to work out what I need to do to be a fully functioning, happy, human.