The Christmas Ratio

Over the Christmas holidays so far, I reckon our ‘nice bits’ to ‘hard bits’ ratio is probably about 70:30. Possibly slightly better, if you take in to account the fact that the hard bits are no where near as hard as they used to be. Last year’s Christmas ratio was about 20:80 at best I reckon, and looking back at the blog from this time last year it seems T was going through a bitey phase as well. The worst we’ve had this holiday is hitting, and even then I think it’s only been once or twice.

Gosh, it’s so weird writing that, when I think back to posts I’ve written in the past describing the aggression and violence that was happening multiple times per DAY, for anything up to a couple of hours at a time.

Some of this change can probably be put down to the simple passing of time, but there are a few quite clear things I can pick out that we have done, or are doing differently.

1. Working on emotional regulation.

I’ve added a whole chapter on this in to my book (which – HURRAH! – actually now has a release date!) because, although it’s quite a slow burner in terms of seeing results, over time it has produced massive change.

The key to this is consistency. And repetition. Lots of repetition. School are completely on board with this and have been helping out too – they have a visual chart for Tickle where he can select symbols for how he is feeling, and symbols to represent calming activities that he thinks will help. It has taken a lot of patience and reinforcement from staff, but at the last parents’ evening his teacher told me that Tickle had spontaneously gone up to the chart (which hangs within reach in a prominent place in the classroom) and pointed at the ‘sad’ feeling. And, he had done this MID-MELTDOWN. He had been able to override the panic systems in his body for long enough to realise he needed help, work out how to communicate this to an adult, and actually go and communicate it. All whilst being triggered in a fight-flight state, and running around the classroom.

In case you’re still unclear on this, that is nothing short of staggering.

Other ways we try to encourage emotional regulation at home include affect matching – mirroring the outwards appearance of Tickle’s emotions, without the emotional energy. So for example, if he’s shouting at me, then I might say in quite a loud voice “Gosh! You sound very cross!” – imitating the pattern of his speech, and the emphasis he has placed on words. It’s important to understand the distinction here, as I’m not talking about copying what he’s saying, or imitating him to try and make him laugh, I’m talking about matching his speech patterns and body language, but without feeling the emotion myself. If I meet his anger with anger of my own, that inflames things, but if I meet his anger with words that show I understand what he’s feeling, and reinforce this with my tone of voice and facial expression, then he knows I understand what he’s feeling. Sometimes we do this quite naturally with babies and toddlers, without even realise what it is we’re doing. It’s a way of reflecting those feelings back to the child in a safe way, without emotion or heat, so they can observe and understand what is going on. When they’re feeling and emotion, they’re too close, too involved to be able to be reflective about it, but when we show back to them what they are expressing to us, then they can observe it, and think about it from a detached point of view.

Anyway. This is one of my favourite subjects, and I’m getting a bit carried away – you’ll just have to read it in the book! 😉

2. Prioritising Tickle over other family members

Emotional regulation has been a long term goal, but this was something we did this holiday which took no effort and made a huge difference. There’s often quite a lot of pressure, especially at Christmas, to do ‘traditional’ family things. Go and see relatives, play games, spend time with extended family and friends. This year was the biggest we’ve ever done, as my dad and stepmum were visiting for Christmas, in addition to our ‘normal’ Christmas spent with my mum, grandpa, and brother.

I love my family very much, and I’m very aware that grandpa is getting old and probably doesn’t have that many more Christmas’ in him. I know my mum has to cope with feeding a lot of people, who are all arriving at various times, and that she really needs to plan out how that’s going to work. My dad made the trip up specially, and this was the first Christmas I’ve spent with him in at least two decades.

BUT. I have to be realistic about what Tickle can manage. (And Fairy too, if I’m honest.) And seeing as he’s got so good at telling us how he’s feeling, I’ve really got to listen to him. So instead of going over to mum’s for dinner on Christmas Eve, I completely changed all the plans last minute and announced we were only going for lunch. Both kids are happier at home in the evenings, and as it turned out, Tickle was very overwhelmed by all the extra people at Gran’s house, and really would not have coped with that whilst hungry and tired. Then on Christmas Day, when we’d usually stay for dinner and in to the evening a bit, we went home around 4pm. There was a bit of a meltdown when we got there, but nothing compared to what would have come out if we’d insisted on staying for dinner.

At the end of the day, the rest of us are adults, and we ought to be able to manage our emotions by now. Tickle is still learning. Yes, my mum probably felt a bit disappointed that we went home, but she’ll cope. (She is very supportive about all of this in any case, so there was no issue in that sense.)

3. Sensory stockings

This is such a silly, little thing that I feel a bit ridiculous even saying it, as we ought to have been doing this for years! Sometimes the obvious things just don’t occur to you though, do they?!

This year, I put a lot of sensory toys in the kids’ stockings, and actively encouraged them to use them to regulate throughout the day. Disclaimer: this wouldn’t have worked as well with T if we hadn’t done the groundwork in (1) above.

The biggest success was this light stick. Tickle hasn’t really done much visual sensory stuff before, but he loved it. I’ve just bought two more to keep as back ups. The other big hit was a scented soft toy rabbit. Deep breaths are one thing that does work pretty well with T and the nice smell of the rabbit really encouraged that behaviour. We also had squeezy things, squishy things, chewy things, and of course, lots of chocolate! The squishies got broken fairly quickly, so I have purchased these to try instead. I’ll let you know how we get on!

And that’s it. Christmas is over, so now we’re just on ‘holiday’ levels of disregulation, without the added Christmas bonus. A year ago, I used to dread school holidays. They’re still hard work, but the thought of them no longer makes me want to cry, and I think that’s progress..!