Moving on

I used to have a different blog. I started it up when we were just starting to think about adoption, when I discovered that actually I *could* get pregnant after all, but just couldn’t do the growing a baby part any more. The first miscarriage came out of the blue, I didn’t even know I was pregnant. The second was expected, but no less painful. I started my blog mostly to keep my friends and family updated with what was going on – much easier than having to talk about it over and over. Writing has always been cathartic, and blogging has helped me immeasurably over the years.

But now it’s time to move on. I’ve closed the old blog off (although I haven’t deleted the posts), for a few reasons. Firstly, because it felt appropriate to move on to a new chapter when Tickle’s adoption order was granted. Secondly, because the old blog forms the basis for my new book, so it seemed inappropriate to charge people to buy a book when they could read a lot of it on the internet for free. Thirdly, I’ve outed myself a little more now, with the book, so I was cautious about the blog being a public record of exactly when certain things happened in our adoption – this blog feels closer to me, but a step further away from Tickle.

I just had the editor’s comments back on the book yesterday. On the whole I’m really pleased, she seems to like it, and has offered lots of constructive feedback. There’s still a lot of work to do on it, and I still haven’t 100% decided if I’m going to approach publishers or do it myself. There’s something about the validation of being accepted by a publisher, but the control of self-publishing also appeals to me.

Tomorrow is Tickle’s celebration hearing. I’m pleased, I am, and I’m looking forward to it. But I’m tired. This journey has been four years in the making – almost exactly actually, as I wrote my first blog on my birthday, which is on Sunday. I’m tired because of how we’ve had to get to this point – the battles with Social Care, the trauma, the Child to Parent Violence. And I’m really, really sad.

I’m sad because none of this should have been necessary. I don’t just mean the battles, I mean literally the whole adoption.

Much as I adore Tickle and he has enriched my life and made me a better person, he should never have had to be adopted in the first place. I wish with all my heart that he had never had to go through this, that he could be living with a loving set of birth parents and we would be just a random face if we passed him in the street. I am so glad – for me – that we have adopted him, but I am so sad for him that it was necessary.

In particular, what I am finding really difficult to reconcile is the joy and celebration of tomorrow’s hearing with those moments in the dark, in his room, just before bedtime, when he whispers to me about the things that happened when he lived in another house.

Sometimes people say that Tickle is lucky to have us. I know what they mean, but he’s not lucky. We are lucky. We are lucky to have him, and it is a privilege to support him and love him. He’s not lucky, because he shouldn’t need us. If I had been through what he has, I would not get out of bed in the morning. I have so much admiration for him.

I would really like tomorrow to be a day for joy, so I’ll try and park this for now, but I don’t think it’s going to go away. Just need to work out how we all move on from here.